The gym, early Thursday morning
Dec. 15th, 2005 07:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
can_be_moreThere's still several hours until daylight when Aeryn wanders down to the gym, putting on her gloves and starting in on the punching bag. This time there is a problem.
John had kissed someone else, and it doesn't really matter how long ago it was, because the point was, they'd been together at the time. They'd been fighting, sure, but they hadn't broken up. They fought pretty damn often; did that mean that was how he got over it every time? Being drunk wasn't even an excuse. She'd been drunk and kissed someone, too: John. If he'd told her when it first happened, she could have dealt with it, but instead, she got to find out months later. And she got to wonder if there was anything else he was hiding, and whether she was naive for believing anything he said to her.
Talking to Cam had helped, as had letting Janet and Bridge and Vala distract her. And there was truth to Janet's comment about not being sure Aeryn still lived in the room, because sleeping in her own bed took some getting used to every time she did it. She'd gotten too comfortable. She'd gone along with the thought of living with John until he called her on it. She'd admitted things to him that she could barely admit to herself. She had even put serious thought into actually giving up her entire life and staying on Earth, even though she knew what that meant... and he kissed someone else.
This is the sort of thing that makes her want to go home. It's easy there. At the very least, she won't have to feel like this there because the Peacekeepers don't put up with relationships like this. Attachments make it harder to do the job at hand, and Aeryn is really beginning to see why firsthand. Time and time again she puts herself in the position to be hurt or to hurt him, and every time she does what she could to fix it and make it better, only to hurt again. She's tired of feeling like this. She's tired of hurting and she hates that anyone else can make her feel this way and she really hates thoughts like "Maybe it would be better if we didn't do this."
She really hates that the good parts can outweigh this, and that she knows she's not always going to be here and won't have to feel like this forever, and that she's just going to put herself back in the position to hurt like this again.
When Aeryn finally stops, she's out of breath and her shoulders are sore, and she's late for her Criminal Justice final.
John had kissed someone else, and it doesn't really matter how long ago it was, because the point was, they'd been together at the time. They'd been fighting, sure, but they hadn't broken up. They fought pretty damn often; did that mean that was how he got over it every time? Being drunk wasn't even an excuse. She'd been drunk and kissed someone, too: John. If he'd told her when it first happened, she could have dealt with it, but instead, she got to find out months later. And she got to wonder if there was anything else he was hiding, and whether she was naive for believing anything he said to her.
Talking to Cam had helped, as had letting Janet and Bridge and Vala distract her. And there was truth to Janet's comment about not being sure Aeryn still lived in the room, because sleeping in her own bed took some getting used to every time she did it. She'd gotten too comfortable. She'd gone along with the thought of living with John until he called her on it. She'd admitted things to him that she could barely admit to herself. She had even put serious thought into actually giving up her entire life and staying on Earth, even though she knew what that meant... and he kissed someone else.
This is the sort of thing that makes her want to go home. It's easy there. At the very least, she won't have to feel like this there because the Peacekeepers don't put up with relationships like this. Attachments make it harder to do the job at hand, and Aeryn is really beginning to see why firsthand. Time and time again she puts herself in the position to be hurt or to hurt him, and every time she does what she could to fix it and make it better, only to hurt again. She's tired of feeling like this. She's tired of hurting and she hates that anyone else can make her feel this way and she really hates thoughts like "Maybe it would be better if we didn't do this."
She really hates that the good parts can outweigh this, and that she knows she's not always going to be here and won't have to feel like this forever, and that she's just going to put herself back in the position to hurt like this again.
When Aeryn finally stops, she's out of breath and her shoulders are sore, and she's late for her Criminal Justice final.
