Room 239/240, Thursday night after I-Club

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You know it's bad when Aeryn doesn't see the point in the gym.

She knows she's been all over the place emotionally lately. Saturday was a bit of a breaking point and that was good. She needed it. By Monday she was considering things she never ever would have even thought of possibly considering even in the unforeseeable future. By Wednesday reality had sunk in again and today... Not so great.

Basic fact of the matter is if it hadn't been for Monday and the possibility of things and John's constant insistance that it could work... She doesn't know exactly. Or she knows and doesn't want to admit it. There. He knew once she was gone she couldn't come back. She'd needed him to know that. Except when the person who stays optimistic about all of this figures out it isn't going to work, then what's the point?

She's not doing anything drastic, though. With the way she's been going she knows better. She's just going to clean the ink off her wall.

Comments

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

It's been a long day and, since he wants to give Angel private time with Callisto, John decides to try and talk to Aeryn.

So, he knocks on the door.

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Having given up long ago and leaving the damn ink stain there, Aeryn calls, "Come in."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

John opens the door and steps inside quietly.

"Hey. Sorry I didn't call. It's Angel's night in the room."

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"That's fine," she says. Yes, she really has been this quiet since this afternoon.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He looks down at his feet, shuffling them a bit. "Um, how are you?"

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If there's a word for it in this language, it probably wouldn't translate anyway. She just shrugs. "You?"

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"I'm..." He starts to say 'fine' but stops. "It hasn't been a good day."

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She kind of figured that, but it's good to hear it. "Yeah," she nods.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"Yeah." He nods before shaking his head. "I don't know if I'm supposed to apologize or do hold you or do something. This doesn't feel good though."

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She's not sure about that either, so she asks, "What do you want to do?"

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"I don't want what we talked about earlier," he says, "to make the rest of our time together miserable. I want you."

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"All right," she says, feeling relieved. "Then we need to stop sniping at each other about what happens afterwards." Because honestly, she's not sure how much more of that she can take.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"I know." He shrugs scratches his neck. "It's just a hard thing to deal with," he says quietly. "I'm sorry."

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"I am, too," she says, and that's about more than just today. She moves over a little on the bed to make room for him.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He sees her move and he comes and sits down beside her.

"Did you go to the gym after we talked?" John asks, figuring she did.

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She shakes her head. "Came back here, went to I-Club, came back here," she tells him.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"No gym?" He reaches for one of her hands slowly, letting her pull away if she wants before rubbing a thumb across her knuckles. "That's unusual for you."

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"I didn't feel like it," Aeryn shrugs, but she's not pulling away.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"Okay." He's flailing a little because nothing seems to be working. "Aeryn, do you want me to leave?"

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"No," she tells him, and she really doesn't. "It's just been a really rough day."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"Okay." He nods but still feels a little unsure of what to do. "I know it has and I wanna change that. What can I do?"

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Aeryn isn't so good with the words today, and she doesn't know how to say what she wants and doesn't want, like that'll just open her up for other things. So she kind of just leans against him a little.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

In answer to that, he slides an arm around her shoulders so she can settle against him more comfortably.

"You know I love you, right?"

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She does so, and nods. "I know. I love you, too," she says. And because she wants to make some sort of effort, she takes his other hand in hers.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He takes a deep breath before saying, "Even though I know you're leaving and I know what might happen after that...I'd still ask you."

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Aeryn doesn't say anything, just watches as she interlaces their fingers and tries to ignore that right now.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He tries to take her silence as just her not wanting to talk and nothing else. It's hard though.

"Do you want me to stay?"

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"Yes," she says, still paying total attention to their hands. "I'm not good with words today."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"Neither am I," John says, watching her face. "Will your roommates mind if I stay?"

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"I don't really care if they do," she says, maybe a little quietly. "They've never said anything before."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"Just checking," he says, turning his attention to their hands. "Thank you for caring enough to be concerned for me," he nearly whispers.

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She finally looks up. "Don't thank me for that," she tells him, and leans in to touch her lips to his cheek.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He smiles slightly. "Yes, I want to thank you for that. Because I know it's new for you and I know it's hard for you and you're doing it for me and that makes me feel...loved."

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"You are."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He can't believe his eyes are watering. Damn stupid dusty room.

"Thank you," he mumbles before turning to lay on his side on her bed. He motions to the spot behind him. "Lay down with me."

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She lays down, wrapping an arm around him. "This is better," she says.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"It is," he says quietly, covering her hand with his. "I am sorry about this afternoon. I didn't mean to upset you."

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Aeryn plants a kiss on his shoulder. She is used to fights on that subject, but they hurt worse than they did before. "I know," she tells him quietly.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"I'm trying," he whispers. "I am. It's hard. I'll get better, I promise."

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It would be difficult for things to get much worse, in a certain context, but Aeryn doesn't say that. She repeats "I love you" and hope that says something better.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"I love you too," he says quietly and stops talking. He doesn't go to sleep though because he can't. So, he just rubs her hand slowly and stares at the wall.

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Aeryn lightly touches her forehead to the back of his neck, and doesn't sleep, either.