Room 209, Sunday night

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Aeryn has had an interesting weekend, let's put it that way. And it should probably worry her that the first thing she does after getting in is call John. And it doesn't, until he mentions the last time they saw each other and she proceeds to actually get a little nervous. That worries her.

But she's here. And the door's closed. Because... because it's closed, that's why.

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[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

John comes down the hall and knocks quietly. "It's me."

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She stands from her chair, walking over to open the door. "Hi," she says.

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"Hey," he says, smiling. "Mind some company?"

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She's tired enough to be fairly positive she won't jump him again, so she opens the door wider for him to come in.

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He comes inside and walks to stand in the middle of her room.

"So, hi. I'm glad to see you."

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Aeryn closes the door, then thinks she should have left it open, then gives up caring. She starts to say it back, then closes her mouth again. "I'm glad to be back," she says. Because as much as she wants to say what he said back, there has to be some little sense of distance. Just a little.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That stung a little. He tries to shake it off though.

"Um, that's good. Just in time for classes and all. Bet that makes you super happy," he says and he's rambling and he can't stop. "And hopefully it'll be a short week and it won't be too hard. Weekends are too short anyway."

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"Sometimes," she says, and sits back down. In the chair. "Long weekend," she admits.

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He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor.

"Yeah, I guess it was." He shrugs. "Should I just go, Aeryn? You're tired and all and I don't want to keep you awake."

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She actually wants to talk, and really needs to, but she doesn't know how much he knows about where she was this weekend and doesn't want to tell someone else's secrets. But that just means things are going to stay uncomfortable the way she left it, and she doesn't want to stay awkward about him.

"My leaving your room the way I did had nothing to do with you," she says quietly.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He didn't expect her to actually address that so it takes him a moment to respond.

"You left like it was a mistake," he says quietly.

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"It shouldn't have happened that way," she says carefully, because it wasn't exactly a mistake but if she'd done things differently... "I'm confusing things. A lot. I don't want to confuse you, too."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

He winces and looks at the floor again.

"It's too late for that," he says. "I'm already confused."

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That's not exactly a shock. "She nods, and says, "All right. What do we do about it?"

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"Your call," he says. "And I don't mean to put everything on you but you know I how feel and you know what I want."

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Aeryn knows what she wants, but she's not ready to deal with that quite yet. It's too big for now. "What would help you be less confused?" she asks instead.

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"What am I to you?" John blurts out. "I need to know."

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She pauses, because there's really no word for it.

"You're John," she answers, because that's as close as she can get.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

"That's not what I meant," he says. "I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not your friend. You sleep with me sometimes, you talk to me, you fight with me. I have no idea what we have right now."

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"I don't either," she sighs. And she knows she has to give something, so she's not exactly looking at him when she says, "But you're what's gotten me through this last month."

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"And I'm glad about that, I am. But," he says and rubs his eyes, "why do you get so nervous after I touch you or after we sleep together? It's done and we can't change it and you running away? That doesn't feel good."

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"I didn't react like that the other times," she points out quickly. "It isn't about you. I lost control that last time. I don't want to do that."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

John rubs his eyes again and sighs. "What do you want from me, Aeryn?" And yes, he's aware that he's asked this a lot but it seems to change so often these days.

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"Same thing I've always told you," she says.

And she really doesn't want to ask, she has to. "Should we still be doing... whatever it is we're doing? If it's too confusing, you really have no obligation to me and I don't want to do that to you."

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John blinks. "What?"

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"I'm trying, John. I am. But you have to keep asking me what I want from you and I can never give a different answer than what boils down to 'you', and I doubt I'm going to be any less difficult any time soon, so... I'm giving you an out, if you want it." Not that she wants him to take it.

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

For a moment, he just stands there and stares at her.

"I don't want an out, I don't want a break, I want you," he says. "You know that. You fricking know that. I want you, that's all I want."

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She takes a breath, nodding. "This is me," she says. "This is what you have to deal with in order to deal with me. Are you sure about this?"

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"Yes," he says. "But I need to know that I mean something more to you sometimes. I know it's hard for you to talk about right now so even if it's just a small gesture, Aeryn. Even if it's just a smile. I need to know."

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What's hard is knowing that he doesn't know. "I came back here because of you. I would not even be attempting this with anyone else. I don't tell anyone half of what I tell you. You mean everything."

[whitedeathpod.livejournal.com]

Okay, he hadn't expected that. Not right away.

"Let me stay tonight," he finally says. "And I don't want anything more then to hold you. Because we both deserve it."

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After an admission like that, what Aeryn really wants to do is be alone and try to not think too hard about the fact that she actually said it. But that isn't dealing with it. So she nods.

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He slips off his shoes and sits on the edge of her bed, waiting for her. He's slept with her in this bed before but this...it's different.

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She pulls off her boots, crawling into bed carefully so she doesn't hit him. And now she's waiting for him.

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He follows her up carefully, laying across from her and reaching out to slide an arm across her hip to settle on the small of her back.

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She's not sure what to do with her hands, so one comes up on top of the arm that's around her. And she moves just a little closer.

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"It's okay," he whispers and moves closer. "Come here," Hohn says and invites her to move closer.

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She does, just a little again. "Good night," she says quietly.

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He frowns but doesn't push.

"Night." And he closes his eyes.